Geography Defeats IOF 9-6
Following a two-week hiatus (which included a tragic 8-7 loss to Microsoftballology and a 15-3 dismantling courtesy of the Physics Glueballs) the IOF Softball Update is back.
*Editors Note* IOF’s favorite WAG, Logan “Little League” Wedgewood, has requested that it be known that he (a former varsity college baseball player and high school baseball coach) hit a home run in the Microbiology game on a slow pitch softball delivered by a member of his own team, his first of the season.
Softball equipment. Image by pictureback from Pixabay
In the final game of the 2023 Graduate Softball regular season, the IOF Keanu Reefs faced the Geography Earth-Ballers, a misfit amalgamation of earth-scientists and geographers who, based on their inapposite name, presumably thought they were joining a rec basketball league. The stakes were high: a win would have pulled the Reefs out of last place and secured an easier opening round playoff game next week, a loss would lock the IOF in the graduate softball cellar alongside the super rats Scott Finestone’s safety committee has been trying to exterminate from the AERL basement. Geography, fielding a line-up consisting of several turncoat erstwhile Reef’s players, and wearing the same white colour uniforms as IOF (so much for the four colour map theorem), appeared an ersatz ball club.
“We’re always confident we can win, but especially when we’re playing a department giving out degrees that could be summed up by five question Jeopardy category” quipped Skipper Kristen Sora before the game.
That confidence was shaken in the top of the first inning when Geography slapped several fly balls over the head of Zoe “You said they wouldn’t hit the ball to me” Zeng. Though three 4-3 ground outs to second-basemen All Star Anna McLaskey ended the inning, the IOF was down two runs before the home half of the first.
Though looking to respond at the plate, the top of the Reefs order sputtered, like a masters student at their first committee meeting. Not everyone was concerned with the poor offensive production. “I wasn’t worried at all, sometimes it just takes a while for things to get going,” said right fielder Haley Oleynik, a fourth year PhD student who just completed her comps.
With the offence more absent than the second floor in the summertime, the IOF defence had to step up. Behind strong plays buoyed by the return of atmospheric scientist “T.S.” Eliott Roocroft (DL-run over by car), the Reefs kept the score within striking distance entering the third inning.
“The trick is to never go away, to stick around until its your time” said 7 year UBC veteran and newly minted Dr. Kaleigh “Don’t you dare ask me about my thesis” Davis.
Suddenly, like Tuck when Micah’s dog walks past, the bottom of the lineup sprang to life. A slew of infield hits by “Mojo Jo” Jo Moreaux, “Terrible” Taryn Scarff “it down”, and “Cenozoic” Loic Jacquemot got the momentum to swing to the IOF. The Reefs tied the game on a play kept alive by a daring dive into second base by the irreproachable Iria Garcia Lorenzo. Another run in the fourth put the IOF ahead 4-3.
“I mean, obviously it’s not as fun as a relay race, but it is fun when we’re winning” said the pride of Winnipeg, Sarah HNYTKA.
Unfortunately, holding on to the lead would prove tougher than getting a Timbit at coffee hour before Brian Hunt’s undergads eat them all. Geography scored on two balls hit over the head of “Min” Max Miner in left field. “I didn’t even see the ball, I was too busy looking at that physics defying orb flying through the sky, did anyone else see tha—” Max said as he was escorted away by two Men in Black.
Down 7-6 entering the bottom half of the 7th, the IOF needed a comeback. Unfortunately, the story of that rally remains, like Julia’s thesis, unwritten.
With the loss the the eponymous Emily Brown was despondent, commenting “Maybe if “Dangerous” Dana Price spent less time working with baby seals and more time working on her follow through we’d win a few more ball games”. There may be infinity fish in the ocean but there is only a finite amount of loss this ocean science team can endure.
If the Reefs could take any solace from the defeat it was that they ruined the Geography back-catcher’s day. Crashed into by Kristen Sora in the third during a play at home plate, body-slammed by Haley Olyenik in the fourth during another, and tripped by IOF catcher Iria Garcia Lorenzo while himself trying to score the fifth, the bruised Geography catcher will now keep a wide berth around AERL if he knows what’s good for him.
Looking ahead to the playoffs, the team felt a sense of urgency. “Experts say that in two years Chat-GPT will be playing graduate softball games for us, so winning this year is imperative” said first baseman Jacob “Always Happy to Volunteer” Lerner.
Playoffs begin next week! Come cheer on the IOF at 5:30PM next Thursday at Thunderbird Stadium.