IOF Succumbs to ComeBacteria

Reefs Collapses in Final Inning, Lose to Microbiology 15-10

The IOF snatched defeat from the jaws of victory Thursday night. Up 8-7 in the top of the 7th inning, the Reefs were in the unusual position of defending a lead. Three outs separated the team from its third (3rd!) win of the year, but the novelty of the situation seemed to unnerve the IOF players. The team unravelled like an IOF sweater: a succession of costly errors led to 8 Microbiology runs. A small rally in the bottom of the 7th made it a more respectable 15-10, but, like the grad student union drive, the Reefs hope of an easy victory was dashed.

Many in the department were disappointed with the result and demanded answers for the now two-game losing streak. “My first question to Haley Oleynik on her comprehensive exam will be why isn’t she keeping her elbow up on her swing,” said Reefs superfan Murdoch McAllister.

The actual game got off to an inauspicious start. In warm-ups, recent acquisition Mad Max Miner was preparing for his debut when he was drilled in the face by a softball thrown by Adam “Stevie” Hicks. Adam feigned empathy but was later heard later mumbling, “there can only be one overdue Master’s student on the team.”

Once the game began it quickly developed into a back-and-forth battle between two well-matched teams. In the first two innings, though both teams were shut out, the IOF recorded strong performances on defence. Sarah “sota, Florida” Hyntka, calm as an Athabasca rainbow trout in cool water, kept things under control at first base. “Michael” Kayleigh Davis, showing a disregard for her own well-being, familiar to anyone at the end of a Ph.D., was a wall at second base. “Stoic” Loic Jacquemot scooped fly balls out of the right field sky as smoothly as he scoops zooplankton out of Bute Inlet.

In the third and fourth innings, runs came for the IOF squad. “Lake’ Iria Garcia Lorenzo got an RBI and later scored, and so did Andreas Novotny and his technicolour dream shorts.

Despite giving up runs in the top of the 5th, the Reefs pulled ahead when they put up 5 in the bottom half of the inning bookended by hard-hit singles from Julia “Break” Fast and Emily Brown.

With the IOF clinging to a lead at the start of the 7th and final inning the atmosphere in the Reefs dugout was so jubilant that Elsa Camins Martinez started handing out the team’s chip bags to the IOF’s four-person “Anything, even watching amateur graduate softball, Beats Doing My Actual Job” cheering squad. Only Anna McLaskey was wary, saying, “It ain’t over till you’ve soaked it in MS-222 and waited 10 minutes till the cessation of opercular movement.”

When the dust settled on the disastrous final inning, and the IOF left the field in defeat, Skipper Kristen Sora summed up the Reefs’ feelings. “Losing a softball game is a lot like a beluga whale in the Beaufort Sea Shelf ecosystem, it’s not the most important thing, but it still blows.”

Catch the Reefs next week (June 29, 2023) at 5:30 PM when they take on The Psychotics (Psych Department).

Tags: IOF Student Society, IOF students, softball2023