A Few Good Softballers

Despite two 5-run, mercy rule inducing bottom innings, the game somehow stayed close. Like the outlier in your data, the Reefs could not be willed away.

Physics Forces Shorthanded Reefs to Fall Short

It was never going to be easy. Playing Thursday evening without team manager Kristen Sora or co-captain Haley “Lance Armstrong” Oleynik, the IOF Keanu Reefs were leaderless, like a baby orca whale stuck in a Vancouver Island lagoon. Like the MMRU anxiously waiting for that whale to die so they could have its intestines, the Physics team smelled blood in the water. And, like that baby whale’s family, the rest of the IOF did not come to help.

Only 7 of the IOF’s 30 player roster made the 6PM game. “Maybe they thought it was a teaching seminar for an IOF candidate, or our December holiday party” said right-fielder “Swearin'” Taryn Scarff. “Honestly, without timbits or cheap beer you’re going to be hard pressed to get anyone to come to anything at this point.”

The 7 who made the game played it close. Shutout in the top of the first, the Reefs put together a a 1-2-3 home half of the inning, with all outs going through All-Star Anna McLaskey, playing lock down defense at first-base, and Shiao, putting in a gold glove performance at second.

The IOF squeaked a run in the second (that’s not a reference to the mouse that lives in the Project Seahorse desks on the second floor, but if you want a better call-out tell Elsa Camins to come to the next game) but things went south in the bottom half of the inning. Spread thin in the outfield, Dana “They never hit it to left field, right?” Price, MVP David Stretton, and Swearin’ Taryn tried to cover left, center and right. Balls inevitably poked through the gaps, almost always forcing Dana to corral them in the outfield of the game being played in the next field over, though she kept her composure and didn’t shout a curse word when a ball made it past her like the Reef’s unnamed third-baseman.

Despite two 5-run, mercy rule inducing bottom innings, the game somehow stayed close. Like the outlier in your data, the Reefs could not be willed away. The small line-up led to a lot of at bats which helped the offense hit a groove. After a multi trial experiment with different bats, player-sportswriter-muse Jake Lerner found both his swing and data for a future manuscript. Third baseman Varun Pariani (Mahy’s boyfriend) developed a new stance and laced some singles through the infield, Swearin’ Taryn came up with the bases loaded twice and Dana scored at least two times. Shiao honestly had terrible luck and never really made it on base. The offense was helped by pitch perfect delivery from EOAS’s softball swiss army knife, MVP David Stretton.

“I was raised on this sport so I know most people don’t know the S in EOAS stands for softball,” said David after the game. “You don’t think I came all the way to Canada from England New Zealand Australia just to do geology, did you?”

The game was close, but never really in reach. After 7 innings (yes, 7 innings, the game, like the fan running in AERL 320, would not stop), the Reefs were decidedly defeated 15-10.

A bitter ‘All Star’ Anna commented after the game “These Physics guys think they’re so smart, but they wouldn’t know a sackhole* from their own—”
“Attendance should be better next week!” interrupted shortstop Jake Lerner, “Max Miner, if you’re out there, Emily Brown says her car is fixed and she can drive you and Natasha to the next game.”

The Reefs will try to break their losing streak next week at 6PM against Microsoftballogy.

*A borehole, bored into sea ice, that collects surface brine

Tags: IOF Student Society, IOF students, softball2024