Chemical Induced Reef Degradation

Darin’ Taryn commented after the game, “with this loss, our record looks about as good as the FISH 500 trash fish that’s deteriorating in that ESB museum.”

Chemistry Department Destroys IOF

Going into their fifth game of the season and ranked dead last in the league, the Reefs faced their biggest rival yet, the Chemistry department. Going into the game, things weren’t looking good: one of their top scorers, Julia Mayer, was on the bench with a harrowing hiking injury, Doritos had been served at Monday’s coffee hour, and most of the graduate students just found out that both grad advisors would be on sabbatical in the Fall (if you didn’t know that, this serves as the official announcement).

Uncontested class president, Sadie Lye, who campaigned on new tables for the third floor and finally got them two years into her tenure, reported before the game, “I joined the underground IOF sports betting ring (run illegally, and ironically, by Project Seahorse’s trade division), and now I’m out a lot of money, so they better win this one.”

The Reefs got completely shut out in the first inning. Last week’s beacon of hope, Jacob “lexicomane” Lerner, IOF’s second favorite sports writer (note the typo in the last update) wasn’t on his game because he was busy thinking that at this point, he’s not only carried the team but has also written so many softball updates that he surely didn’t have to pay the $10 registration fee to play. He did, though, Coach Kristen reminded him for the 20th time.

Track star, Shiao, totally perplexed by which of the 8 different bat options to choose, remarked, “this is like choosing a climate change scenario for your species distribution models, pretty much impossible, can I just use them all?”

Luckily, cheerleading captain, Jo “go go go” Moreaux, fresh off a two week whale survey and still trying to explain to the fish people why we even need to know how many whales are out there, pumped the team up. By the third inning, with hits by new player Mahy Saleh, Mahy’s Boyfriend, and Darin’ Taryn Scarff, things were looking up (well, marginally).

In an interview on the sideline, Coach “don’t ask me when I’m defending” Kristen noted, “Our back catcher ‘Anyone’ Elsa needs to take lessons from that undergrad who terrorized the third floor earlier this Spring: when the ball (or in his case, 8 security guards, Dave Rosen, and Brian Hunt) comes at you, don’t run.”

The Reefs thought they had turned a corner when, helped along by infamous sideline coach, “Bloody El” Roocroft, Haley Oleynik actually scored a run. Thanks to MVPs Anna McLaskey, representing the small but mighty, and usually left out, RAPD contingent, Keely “where did she come from?” Shay, and Reefs sweetheart Logan “no you can’t have my autograph” Wedgewood, the Reefs were hanging on, kind of like certain former members of the IOF…

In reality, at no point in the game did it ever look like the Reefs could win, but the team agreed to play one more inning just to lose by even more. Dana “spice” Price, protesting the extra inning, said, “this is like being in a conversation with Haley and Jake about America, best to disengage and leave.”

Darin’ Taryn commented after the game, “with this loss, our record looks about as good as the FISH 500 trash fish that’s deteriorating in that ESB museum.” All those masters students from the mouse-free third floor lost their money, probably best to put your money on the IOF volleyball team next year, despite how boring the season sounded from their updates.

Watch the Reefs take on the Physics Department’s Glueballs next Thursday at 6:00pm at Thunderbird Stadium. Because they can’t possibly do any worse…

Tags: IOF Student Society, IOF students, softball2024